Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
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Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex