Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
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“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.