You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
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Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I am never leaving this website
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
…u ok Nintendo?
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag