LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
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cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
it was love at first sight
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.