My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
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My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
A man of commitment.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
#Caturday
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong