Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
You Might Also Like
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.