Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
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I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
What an awful time to have common sense.
who wore it better?
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
#titanic
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa