My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
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I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival