Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
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ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Put this video in the Louvre
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter