ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
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I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest