“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
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If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Just as the prophecy foretold
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Happy birthday to all the women
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.