In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
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Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”