I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
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ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.