I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
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New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it