[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
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people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”