Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
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i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
OKAY DAD
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Trumpy Cat
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.