Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
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Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Risking my life for fun.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs