People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
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My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
I am yelling
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
scrabbled eggs
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”