13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
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“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
This is my emotional support knife.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
The three genders.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.