if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
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I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
This is my favorite one of these!
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.