I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
You Might Also Like
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Autocorrect is my menesis
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear