was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
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“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Lmfao
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.