My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
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Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird