Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
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Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
tourist season
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.