ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
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A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
m’lady
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
my favorite genre of twitter
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button