I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
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Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Coffee is ready.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
get you a girl who
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
The best shot in the history of golf
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?