The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
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[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.