You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
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Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
drew a comic about my origin story
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.