I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
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Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
A Match(.com), but for socks.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.