Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
You Might Also Like
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
finally
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
When the stylist spins you back around
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.