Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
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Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
CUTE CAT‼︎
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO