Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”