*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
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[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.