Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”