[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
You Might Also Like
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I’ll be mad as hell!
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.