“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
You Might Also Like
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
If a snake ate a cake
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie