I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
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It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I see your IQ test came back negative
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to