Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
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Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
*frowns in Scottish*
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.