Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
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me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
#Caturday
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!