I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
You Might Also Like
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I’ve had relationships like this
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that