I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
You Might Also Like
I don’t make the rules sorry
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
“I wouldn’t.”
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
bad
worse
worst
worchester
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]