art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
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Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.