Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
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Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
dutch is not a serious language
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
PLEASE READ
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business