I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
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Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
We’ve come full circle
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
My current situation
when you are just born a rebel
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.