“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
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Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.