My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
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eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
my name if I was in the mob
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.