YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
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Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Get in loser we’re going crying
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.