Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
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The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move