H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
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*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.