Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
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Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
…żyje?
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
quarantine day 3
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool